I know I need to get over it, but I just can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t want to bring it up because it would only make him feel awful. I am incredibly hurt by what I saw online, and since I read it, I can’t even look at him. We have a near-perfect marriage, and I love him with all my heart. I know for a fact that today he doesn’t feel any hesitation about being married to me, he loves my kids, and he is very reserved with the information he posts on the Internet. The posts included lurid details of our private activities, admissions that he didn’t want a relationship with me and just wanted to keep it physical, comments about my having kids being “a no-no,” a post about plans to go to another woman’s apartment that he was interested in, etc. Had I seen it at the time, we would probably not be married now. And what he wrote has my stomach in knots. Yesterday, I had the idea to look back at forum posts from around the time my husband met me to see if he had written about the experience. (He is a collector.) His forum is very popular, and people post there not just about their shared interest, but about their personal and professional lives as well. Perhaps they can confirm this tragic turn of events-but if they can’t, then they have the standing to push for answers to his disappearance with the authorities and to hire a private investigator to try to dig up the truth.ĭear Prudence, My husband runs a Web site and chat forum around his hobby. It would also be reasonable to contact his parents to express your condolences. Just report the fact that he is missing, that you are unable to confirm his death, and that he did not seem depressed or suicidal. If all this turns up nothing, then you can go to the police jurisdiction where he was living at the time of his “death.” Do not make accusations against the wife. Type “social security death index” into your search engine, and check the sites that pop up to see if your friend is listed. There are also genealogy sites that track deaths reported to the Social Security Administration, although they may take a while to update. First, contact the local coroner or medical examiner and see if they have any record of your friend’s body. You and your friends should take what steps you can to establish whether your friend is actually dead or at least whether his death was noted by official channels. Her behavior is so inexplicable that you would think anyone who had watched even a few episodes of CSI or SVU would know to act more like a grieving widow. But if the facts are as you’ve described, then, yes, I can see why you’re alarmed at the idea that your friend, who was young and seemingly happy (if not, perhaps, happily married, viz., the pregnant girlfriend), suddenly killed himself. What is the polite way to make sure our dear friend is resting peacefully and not locked away somewhere?ĭear Mourning, I admit I don’t often get questions about the manners and morals of possible murder. How can his friends be sure he died, so we can come to terms with everything? I have a crazy idea that maybe she found out about the other girl and killed him in a fit of rage. His parents live overseas, and his wife never got along with them as far as we know, no one has contacted them. I checked-she is pregnant and says he’s the father. Also fishy is a rumor that he got one of his female friends pregnant. His college friends are distraught and don’t know what to believe, especially since there is no record of this in any of the area newspapers. She apparently had a closed funeral and told no one, because she said that is how he had wanted it, even though he had many friends and was always outgoing and happy. I then contacted her brother, who had been close to them, and this was the first he’d heard of her husband’s death. She said there was nothing to talk about and asked me not to visit. Since people in the group hadn’t heard from his wife, I was put in charge of contacting her. I found out from mutual friends that the groom recently committed suicide. We three were close in college but less so since we graduated. Two of them got together and married last summer. Please send your questions for publication to (Questions may be edited.)ĭear Prudence, When I was a freshman in college, I had a tight group of friends. Get “Dear Prudence” delivered to your inbox each week click here to sign up.
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